Normally, I have an online boundary around the love/dating thing because you can’t really share stories at least the blog juicy kind without involving other people and their oh-so-not-best moments.
But today, I’m going to break that rule and share with you how my Ex broke the news to me about his new girlfriend and how it has affected me because one I can do what I do best and that is use my personal experience to help other people grow and learn, and two, it is a perfect example, of how social media can impact our personal lives, and not always in the ways we want it or expect it to.
Wearing my heart on my blog
But most importantly, this is a peek into how your actions shape who you are as a person and your personal brand online. I’m taking a risk with this post with my own online brand but risk is what separates the exceptional from the ordinary. I'm also tired of always following "the rules." I'm taking my turn to break the rules. I could fall completely on my face, but failure is how we learn too, right?
And before I go further, this post is not meant to bash my Ex because yes, in this post he is going to look like a prime piece of a**hole, I won’t candy coat that, and I’m not that good a writer. But, he is not, I still believe this. I did leave out big chunks of details and am only sharing the ones relevant to my point.
And even though I have many un-loving feelings towards my Ex right now and am feeling pretty wounded and Irish mad, I can separate who he is at the core from how he is behaving currently. I understand as we all should, that sometimes even good people can do hurtful stupid things. I’ve been there. We’ve all been there. So please, remember this and have an open heart while reading.
And before you start thinking how too damn healthy and mature I’m behaving, well, I’m not. I’m not that nice. There's a pinch of vengeful ex-girlfriend in here. Not pretty but so what. And yes, I am very raw and I go between crying a river and punching the hell out of the bag at the gym imagining it’s my Ex’s face. But, I’m not hurt for the reasons you may think, and yes despite the bloody spit I’m swimming in, I amazingly have much clarity.
But quickly, before we get to the Ex, a word from mom….
My mom taught me, “Always be a class act.” You have no idea how hard that can be especially right now when I go between wanting to inhale all the bread sticks I can at Olive Garden to wanting to punch a Christmas Elf. Because right now, I do not feel like doing what is right. I feel like doing what I need and want. I do not want to take the high road. I want my mom’s voice in my head to go away.
When a moment of sanity comes to the surface, I do realize that these times are also a test. We are all given tests every day to show what we’re made of. When you squeeze the orange you get sweet juice. When you’re squeezed, what comes out?
Squeezing some sour out with the sweet
My Ex and I broke up last August after over 3 years living together, and it was an amicable grown up break up. There was no lying, cheating, or sucking the life out of each other. We just wanted different things out of life. Actually, I wanted to get married and thought that what problems we did have were workable not deal breakers, but he had a different view.
In hindsight, I’m seeing that I actually idealized this relationship and him way more than it deserved. In my mind, I wanted the relationship to be fixable, and him to be fixable. I tried to fix myself to be more of what I thought he wanted me to be, and when that didn’t work I just retreated and pulled away emotionally like he did with me. So okay yeah, no need to throw Dr. Phil and the self help books at me; I got it, duly noted.
We're really friends not just social network "friends"
When we split, I just didn’t move out of the house and boom that was it, we’re done, don’t let the door hit you on the way out, and I’ll be cordial to you when we run into each other at the grocery store. We were friends. We stayed friends. I feel a soul connection to him like any of the important people in my life. In fact, for months after we broke up, we talked (cell, IM, text, email) at least twice a week, sometimes more. It started to taper this summer, but still not a month went by when we didn’t communicate somehow.
...like those attics in the scary movies. You know you shouldn’t go in there because that’s where Freddie hides, but you can’t help it...
We had lunches, dinners, and coffees. I even babysat his cat a couple times. He kept me updated on his grandma who I was close to because her health was up and down. We have mutual friends. He told me that I was still one of the most important people in his life, and that he respected me, and valued that we could still have a friendship. I think he’d agree that one of the best parts of our relationship was that we were also good friends.
Serendipity but not like the movie
When we broke up, we both listed "It's complicated" on our Facebook relationship status. I first learned my Ex was seeing someone new when he changed his relationship status to “In a relationship”. Mind you we were still talking in the offline world, so I saw the status change but said nothing, at least to him, and he said nothing to me. And this was the first inkling of hurt I felt, because I thought he would have told me about her personally and not through a Facebook thingy. But this is not the worst part at least in my brain which in hindsight was living in some kind of denial haze at the time.
I did get the proverbial lump in stomach but who wouldn't? These are moments you dread, but you know it’s going to happen eventually. A couple months after he changed his status, I see pictures of him at a family event with his arm around some woman which of course I deducted was the “In a relationship” girl.Now I know what she looks like.
I saw these pictures not because I was stalking his timeline. No people. I’m no Fatal Attraction. The discovery was innocent. In general, I pretty much stay in my own space. I serendipitously discovered this in my Home stream. If I waited a day or couple hours, I would have missed it because it would be on page 3 by then. My community is very chatty and now you know my secret, I don't look past page 2 on the Home stream.
I’m “friends” with one of his relatives who was at this event too and these were her pictures. And indeed, there were more pictures later. Hello, I am a professional blogger, I'm supposed to "socialize" with my Facebook community. And yeah, geez, I looked. I'm not immune. My profile is open to personal friends as well as to all my blog readers, and all my social networks friends from other places. Even though I’m not “friends” with the new girlfriend, I could still see all the pictures from that particular album. Did ya know that feature existed in Facebook? I didn’t until then.
Like the saying goes, you can't control anyone but yourself
What people often forget is that even though you can control your profile, you can’t control the profiles of all your friends who are friends with your Ex or all the others who tag your name or your Ex's in their pictures. And be careful what you comment on because it leaves enough of an open door for others to have “accidental” discoveries like mine which become like those attics in the scary movies. You know you shouldn’t go in there because that’s where Freddie hides, but you can’t help it.
Even though I knew about the new woman, I did not bring her up because, and you can disagree with me on this or not but this my style for better or worse, one, it’s not my place to, and second, I expected him to tell me personally about this girl. The only reason I care about any of this is because he acted and behaved like he was still a genuine friend. If I had a new boyfriend, I would have told him before changing statuses, blogging about it, or twittering it.
This is where a fender bender turns into a trainwreck
I found out that he’s now living with this woman which means it’s serious, and as par I did not find out from him. He had a chance to tell me and yet again, I accidentally came upon this information. I was not looking for it. I'm starting to believe that the universe is purposefully trying to beat me on the head because yeah all this has to happen around the holidays my personal favorite time of the year but my Ex's least favorite. And now, innocent bystanders got caught in this trainwreck, and it has put others who care about us both in an awkward situation…needlessly.
My Ex should have told me about this new girlfriend personally from day one, not on Facebook, and not because he owes me anything but because that is the honorable thing to do. That would have been the respectful thing to do. That would have been the thing to do if he really means it when he said he respected me, and our friendship.
I'm waking up from my idealization
It’s Sunday. It’s raining. And it’s a few days before Christmas, and I am sitting here with a heart that feels like a dagger has pieced it. Yes, that's a bit dramatic but that is the truth of what I feel. And it’s not because he has a new love or that they moved in together. It’s something far deeper. In fact, we have communicated about the girlfriend thing, and I wished them both the utmost happiness. And I meant it. It was kinda like our own Hubble Katie moment - Internet version. I want my Ex to be happy for me too, as I believe I will have a wonderful new love to celebrate one day.
I won’t say we talked about the girlfriend because even that communication was on email which I initiated because again I saw pictures on my Home stream of them on vacation, and I thought enough of this not talking about it. But, I’m not hurt by the pictures. Really. It’s something else.
Because, there will come a time when my Ex will see pictures of me happy with my new love. If we haven't un-friended each other after this. He just gets to do it first, so oh well. I could have a new boyfriend now, but I’m waiting for the right guy. Yeah, it's been lonely at times, and I really miss having someone to wake up with and share Tiramasu with, but I’m not settling just to have someone because I want to go into a new relationship for the right reasons. So the Ex was lucky, and found someone soon after we broke up. It happens.
...Any personal news to people you say you respect should ideally be delivered first hand from you...
This is why I feel so Shakespeare
I have treated the Ex and our break up with great care, respect, and honesty. In fact, this is how I roll, when we broke up, I called his parents to thank them for being so kind and loving to me. I thanked them for making me feel like a part of their family. I told them that if there was anything I could ever do for them to not hesitate to ask. I didn't have to do this. I did this because it was the classy thing to do. See mom. I do listen.
I expected the same respectful treatment from my Ex which he had until recently. Instead of getting the return courtesy, the Ex chose to treat me like a casual acquaintance who gets the life updates on Facebook. Our friends saw that publicly too online and offline, and because of that, it hit me that what I really felt was humiliated and made to feel like I was completely insignificant by someone who said he valued me and respected me. If you tell me I'm your friend especially after everything we have been through, then I believe you and expect you to treat me like a friend, not like some random acquaintance. That feeling of humiliation is the dagger in my heart.
Some of you might not see any of this as humiliating, but I do. I would have personally told the Ex about my new boyfriend (if I had one) before broadcasting it in Facebook, my blogs, or my Twitter, the places I normally hang out online and would talk about these things. And then casually, not like in some cc all email, I would tell all our mutual friends that my Ex knows about the new guy so that I can help to avoid putting them in any kind of awkward place because it sucks. It sucks for everyone.
Think about how you'd feel
So this is one reason why using social media like Facebook, Twitter, or your blog can be an incredibly hurtful way to communicate news to Exs, friends, family members, co-workers or whomever when you should be doing it personally, it’s the feeling of public humiliation, not your tough news that wounds. It's the feeling that your consideration is not important enough to get the truth straight from the person who says they are a real friend. This is not like announcing party details. Any personal news to people you say you respect should ideally be delivered first hand from you before it goes online anywhere or leeks through the grapevines.
When you don’t think about other people or the consequences, it speaks more about you than the other person. It speaks to what you are made of, and speaks to whether you walk your talk. Again, you don't have to tell your Ex anything but like my favorite line in the movie Say Anything:
"Don't be a guy. The world is full of guys. Be a man."
Be a Lloyd Doppler.You have a choice. You always have a choice. As a general rule, before you do anything, think about how you’d feel if the roles were reversed because karma does indeed work both ways. We all have to do the tough things in life but there is always a way to handle hard things with class and respect.
This is really an excuse not an act of kindness
The lack of my Ex telling me about his new girlfriend and them moving in together is probably based on his perception of kindness which many of us have used ourselves at some point, “Oh I don’t want to ruin her holidays.” Or “Oh, I don’t want her to feel bad because I’m with someone new and she’s not.” In truth, given the context, that is a selfish excuse and not an act of kindness or care. That excuse is for his benefit, not for the highest good of all concerned.
The truth is that when you use these types of justification in your head, the real issue is that you don’t want to see someone else’s hurt, disappointment, or sadness because YOU can’t deal with it. Again, it’s not about them, it’s about you. I personally remember this every time I feel myself avoiding a situation. I know that my resistance and/or avoidance is really the fear of the consequences I may reap. I may or mat not act accordingly but at least I'm conscious of what the true motivator is.
Is this how you want to roll?
If you want to cultivate meaningful relationships with quality people then be upfront and honest right away, and deliver news personally, something like this, “You know, I really do value you and respect you, and this is going to be tough…for both us for that matter…but I want you to hear it from me and no one else. You know I’ve been seeing {GF’s name} and well now, we’re taking it to the next level. We’re moving in together.”
Whatever happens after that is up to the parties involved but the important thing is that you the bearer of the news have shown yourself to be an upstanding person of excellence. You chose to do the honorable thing versus the easy thing, which scores you far more karma points and goodwill. But in the end, no matter how the person reacts to your news, they will always, at the end of the day respect you for being upfront, and having the courage to be honest.
Time for full disclosure of my not so nice parts
In full disclosure, normally I tell people if I’ve written about them in a post before I publish because that is the polite thing to do, but I have not communicated to my Ex anything written here. If he reads this at all, he’s seeing it firsthand like the rest of you. See, I’m not that nice, and I actually don’t care that much right now about being the better person. I'm no self help guru. I'm just trying to learn, grow, and heal like the rest of you.
I'm pissed and it is the first time I've actually gotten really mad in this whole breakup thing which I should have done earlier. This is something I'm working on. Neither one of us has taken the high road which would have been to talk personally to each other. We used to be able to do that, and then somewhere along the way, we just stopped.
Am I humiliating him? Am I being a coward too? In some eyes perhaps, but in my eyes, I’m choosing to respond to his actions with like energy and like mediums. And yeah, communication was a problem in our relationship on both our ends. I’m not gonna lie. The Ex gets a taste of what he has put me through because I think it’s fair and he can learn to rethink treating others like this. In the process, this blog post can help other people avoid our situation, and so I see that as a gift.
I did think long and hard about posting this, and turned it around, and asked myself how I’d feel if I was the recipient in this situation. If I behaved so stupidly and hurtful, why should I be immune from having the tides turn on me, and experiencing what I inflicted on someone else? I at least tried to write this story so everyone can win somehow.
Even nice people can have a**hole moments
And like I said in the beginning, my Ex is not a jerk, in fact he is better than this, and on one level I am surprised by his conduct. But for whatever reason, he is choosing to behave like an a**hole. He was worried about upsetting me. Well now he has an even bigger problem and that is regaining my respect. I am a really good friend, and I earned and deserve to be treated like a gift not a token. What he chooses to do next will speak to what he is made of…actually what we both do or not do next is a test of what our relationship is made of.
I hope that some of you can learn from this. Think twice or just think period about the ramifications of your actions because your avoidance of fear can really just create much bigger problems for you later. Better to nip things in the bud and deal with a small mess than a bigger mess…that um, YOU created.
Your job is to take responsibility for your growth
Something to remember too is that, it’s not your responsibility for what the other person does or feels after you come forth with your news. That’s the other person’s business. For all you know your conversation could go well and bring you closer together, or it could go South like when Big told Carrie he was marrying Natasha. And even then, Big did tell Carrie to her face about his nuptials before she heard it from anyplace else.
Your responsibility is to be who you say you want to be or become. Like in the movie Evan Almighty, God doesn’t just give people courage if they ask to be more courageous. He gives them opportunities to become courageous like a warrior who faces his nemesis or an Ex who personally tells his past love about the new one.
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Normally, I always keep post comments open, but since this is a sensitive topic, I don't feel or want an open platform for any judgments about me or my Ex. I'm sure there would be plenty of nice and supportive comments too. Thank you for your understanding.
